4,135 words on Glee, Season 2, Episode 6, “Never Been Kissed”

Churrb and I discussed Glee last night over gchat.

Me: gleee

eeeee

did you watch!


Rachel:
I did!

there’s so much to discuss

what did you think?


Me:
SO MUCH

check my facebook

i wrote an essay

[ed. note. essay transcription:

For the record! Here are some things that I thought did not work.
-Puck's entire story line
-"We have a strict non-descrimination policy." Puke.
-The girls' number. Hardly even a mashup at all. Costumes were great though.
-TWO never been kiss...ed moments? Come on, writers.
-Slow motion hand-holding with strangers?!?! Where are we. I assume they forgot to make it explicit that Teenage DREAM was being literal? or something?
-Private school boy is too cute for Krazy Kurt, I preemptively hate that match-up

Things that worked.
-The mailman is always funny, always.
-Kurt, as usual, acted the SHIT out of this episode. The sweaty, balding hamhock scene actually really worked for me! They hit all the right emotional themes, it was surprising, it was believable, and it was relatable for me.
-The final guys' number was killer.
-Kids can be HORRIBLE in high school! It's really hard to realize that teachers are humans while you're in school, so I was a fan of having otherwise nice people, like Finn and Tina, be the "villains" for that conflict. Bieste for president of Glee.
-Sue's "WOUNDS" line won the episode, no one is surprised.

I'm ambivalent about Schue kissing Bieste. It was clearly a non-romantic, endearing friendship kiss, although Schue was probably being a little condescending, at least he wasn't being malicious and evil, like he usually is, or even causing unintended evil consequences due to negligence, like he sometimes does.]

it’s a good starting point i think


Rachel:
haha I think I read it

I agreed entirely, except my opinion of the boys and girls numbers are switched from yours

but that’s unimportant

important= Kurt is seriously the best thing this show has going

that locker room scene was inTENSE


Me:
OMG

how GREAT was it


Rachel:
so great


Me:
one of the best scenes of the series

kurts whole storyline was such a GREAT depiction of my life

like, my first kiss was also by a bully

in a different way

in that he was an asshole AFTER the fact


Rachel:
ah ok

but still

it was great b/c they kissed but then, realistically, the guy was still an asshole


Me:
in terms of hitting all the emotional themes


Rachel:
but now kurt had more perspective

yeah, I totally agree

I was glad that everyone learned an Important Lesson

and that they got to humanize Bieste

because from the getgo that character has been pretty dehumanized

but her scene with will was really moving


Me:
although they didn’t really establish anything new with her?

i feel like they’ve already established these character aspects

and i fear she is turning into a wuss


Rachel:
they’ve def already established that she’s tough but gooey inside

or at least that she wants to be loved just like everyone else

but her quitting and the scene of sue gloating about it to will was more complex than this show usually gets

the whole ‘think of her to not be aroused’ plotline was kind of awful though

because clearly, even as the show was frowning on such behavior, it was taking part in it via comical interludes of her in lingerie


Me:
but do you remember high school?

kids are evil brutal nihilistic pricks

poor miss cloutman!

i’m glad i don’t remember the things we said

and it happens all the time

and nice kids (tina, mike, finn) take part

because kids don’t realize that teachers are also humans

so i’m sure anyone who is a teacher was reaaaally feeling the mirror neurons last night


Rachel:
omg I’m sure

kids are horrible to teachers, I remember that from middle and high school for sure

that part was realistic


Me:
but i think the writers had problems with stakes

it’s well established that the central conflict between sue and bieste is that sue wants her gone, for budget


Rachel:
right, that’s been true the whole season


Me:
and we believe that sue is evil enough to go to unbelievable and despicable ends to get rid of her

but i don’t think we got to a point for bieste’s character to up and quit

which was the scene where schue tells her what the kids said

i think it would have made sense for them to cut her quitting and it would have worked

stern talking to from schue, and an apology


Rachel:
definitely

I dont think people say stuff like “I am really going to quit” nowadays if they arent going to follow through 100%

in a situation like this


Me:
so if the writers wanted to get bieste gone for the purpose of the sue-bieste conflict, they needed something else


Rachel:
right

also, the scene at the private school was SO heavy-handed but also kind of cute


Me:
slow motion hand holding?


Rachel:
serious discussions with two gay and two straight men who are all friends?

due to a “strict non-bullying policy” or whatever


Me:
shut up, twofer

you are making me nauseous


Rachel:
I think at that point I said aloud to my roommate “oh, a ’strict’ policy?! well, that just about solves it then! all we need is strict non-bullying policies and the problem will be solved!”


Me:
they forgot to establish that kurt was dreaming.

teenage dream.

because there are schools where there is less of a homophobic environment

they just… didn’t get there

where getting actually physically assaulted for being gay while your CHOIR teacher watches and says nothing is unthinkable


Rachel:
oh yeah! that was a very weird scene

shue was just like “watching this happen is a profound moment.. for me… to ponder in silence”


Me:
in line with his character

it was a horrifying scene, because it was a very accurate depiction of what happens in real life


Rachel:
right

I thought the depiction of kurt being bullied was really intense and realistic

b/c bullying isn’t like in “teen wolf” where the bully just says dumb mean things about your mom

people get physically hurt


Me:
the more i think about it, the more i think kurt is the best character on any tv show ever


Rachel:
he’s so great

and chris colfer does an amazing job with it


Me:
yeah, that’s what i mean


Rachel:
when he got angry this ep it was totally real and grounded


Me:
he’s just so absolutely alone

the way they do kurt’s loneliness is PERFECT

that is how every gay kid feels

no matter their circumstance

this deep, deep loneliness is universal


Rachel:
yeah, and they made a great point that there are no other gay kids at the school

and it’s in ohio

so no matter how glittery the glee club costumes, it’s not really a gay-friendly environment that the show has created


Me:
it’s a really fine point they make

and it’s been so gradual and perfect

with all the mike omalley scenes


Rachel:
it almost seems accidental, it came up so subtly

oh totally

because now, the viewers realize how truly unusual it would be for kurts dad to react that way


Me:
“you need to allow yourself to be alone until you find someone brave as you”


Rachel:
given their circumstances


Me:
that line that made me weep for days and oceans


Rachel:
aww I know!


Me:
that was so full of truth


Rachel:
my heart grew three sizes


Me:
and also shrank

because telling someone they need to be alone, and also being right while saying it, is horrible


Rachel:
I mean, only horrible if being alone is always a terrible thing

which I hope it isn’t

although I still want Kurt to find a bf and not have his “first kiss” be from some conflicted bully


Me:
here’s a link i think is good for this point

http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/11/the-campaign-against-mean-people/66354/

because it’s one of the saddest realities of god choosing you to be gay

is that the correct answer is “sorry, watch everyone else fall in love, you can’t yet, and it’s no one’s fault”

also in the list were santana’s comment “i can think of so many gay jokes right now”

“kurt, you’re with the boys”

such that whatever small comment that was made in the meeting with all the guys made perfect sense as a reason for his character to flip out and storm off to that private school

which would have been really weird if the only thing leading up to that was sam saying “…i don’t want to wear a feather boa”


Rachel:
yeah, that made sense, I didn’t think it was an overreaction at all

but I have a query for you

about a part of the ep last night


Me:
queery?

or query


Rachel:
a queery!

when I was watching the boys meeting scene, I had an instant negative reaction to how the show handled kurt speaking to the guys


Me:
about feather boas, or in kurt’s dream?

(i am choosing to reimagine the whole private school as a dream)


Rachel:
because it seemed to me that even while trying to present an anti-bullying message, the writers were just depicting kurt as a stereotypical ‘fashion gay’ who would bring in a board of clothing swatches and talk about that instead of about song choice

and I get that fashion is a part of his character, but it seemed like they went out of their way to make him purposely ignore the point of the meeting in order to talk about “gay stuff,” and when I see that depiction elsewhere, I find it really offensive

but since it’s Glee, I can’t tell if I’m reading the scene totally wrong or not, because obviously they don’t intent to propagate stereotypes

even if that’s what I think they’re doing


Me:
i think that’s kind of a tough thing!

because seriously, stereotypes are true

and i think the message is more “listen, gays can be lisping and mincing, AND THAT IS FINE”

because i think there’s a knee jerk reaction to say “not ALL x’s are Y’s!!!”

when talking about any group

not ALLL canadians are loggers!

not ALLL french are stinkies!

but like, probably a significant portion of canadians’ livelihoods have to do with logging

so on one hand, you want people to not prejudge others based on their group memberships

“Hi, I’m Kurt, nice to meet you, I’m gay.” “Can you tell me if my outfit matches?” is kind of offensive

and on the other hand, anyone in nude erections asking kurt that now is not offensive


Rachel:
that’s exactly my predicament!

because on principle, there’s nothing wrong with him loving fashion and wanting to be on the girl’s team for the competition

those are choices as acceptable as a gay guy being an amazing dancer or a lawyer or whatever

but on the show, in that format, it feels offensive for them to constantly highlight that he isn’t “one of the guys” because he’s gay

and it feels like his interest in fashion is a major way that divide is indicated


Me:
i think it’s that kurt’s feeling of not belonging

is because he doesn’t belong in a high school in the middle of ohio?

and someone like kurt in suburban ohio DOES create a lot of discomfort, for everyone?


Rachel:
it totally does, in real life

but in real life a kid like kurt in suburban ohio would probably not go to school in a full-on lady gaga costume

unless he had particularly supportive friends and family :)

so they’re already playing on a different level


Me:
and i think it’s maybe just like heightened 10% for tv?

like the kiss got to the emotional core


Rachel:
it totally did

that was so well-done

and perfect for this episode


Me:
kurt is someone who would really really want to wear a full on lady gaga costume

so by making him actually do that

you get a little bit more drama and plot and conflict, while still staying true to the feeling

so it’s more representational of like, constance mcmillen


Rachel:
I guess my problem is that Kurt is a smart character and he should’ve known that bringing in a design board would get a negative response from the guys

and the writers are smart and should know that you don’t have to prove a character is gay by making them care only about fabric swatches

can I pitch an alternate plotline to you? :)


Me:
yes

because i think right now we’re on the same side of a very fine point


Rachel:
I think so too

what if, instead of bringing in a costume board that doesn’t mention songs, Kurt had brought in the music for a song like “Man I Feel Like a Woman” or similar woman-hear-me-roar anthem

and the outfits would not be mentioned

but the song choice represents not only overcoming their discomfort with the ‘manly woman’ stereotype that they were hurling at Bieste but also lets them have a kick-ass number that Kurt gets credit for

more subtle? less stereotypical gay to make a point?

or the same?


Me:
i dunno!

because things like this make me kneejerk to do something real faggy

maybe he wouldn’t bring in a fabric board and diarama, because he doesn’t have a prop department?

another alternate plotline

they’re sitting around talking

brainstorming

and he says “we should wear feather boas”


Rachel:
Go on… :)


Me:
the end


Rachel:
I would support that too, if it got integrated into the final number


Me:
it’s the same feeling


Rachel:
Bc then they’re still allowing him to be exactly who he is

Without being so hamfisted as to use a literal fabic swatch board


Me:
but then he can’t huffily gather his things and huff off in a huff

i think for the purposes of tv, they are indistinguishable


Rachel:
I don’t know


Me:
okay can we move on to our point of disagreement?

nvm let’s stay here


Rachel:
Haha no move on

I agree that we’re on a razor-thin margin of differenxe

*ce


Me:
okay

the girls v boys

i would like to posit as a jumping off point

what a mashup is, and what it should accomplish

they should, as a rule, be contrasting songs


Rachel:
Or at least different songs


Me:
but at the very least should create unexpected or different reactions than either one of the songs by themselves would


Rachel:
Stylistic, tempo, era etc


Me:
exhibit a

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfG94k41MrI

miley cyrus and biggie


Rachel:
Agreed


Me:
so the girls’ number

was just living on a prayer, full stop.

outfits, vocal performance, choreo? fantastic

you can’t just perform living on a prayer, say “start me up” at the end for the button, and call it a mashup

the men, however, got two songs that were different, and integrated them well

“free your mind in the name of love” is a different thing entirely

and i thought it worked well for the themes of the episode

and actually salvaged the whole episode

and i guess here, my primary criterion is “did they complete the assignment”

much like how i love modern family, because while being formulaic and sometimes cheesy and trite, it completes its assignment better than any other sitcom


Rachel:
Woah, trite?

You watch it mister


Me:
okay, minus two points for word choice


Rachel:
Cheesy? Absolutely

But anyway! Glee mashups


Me:
yes, fully rescind the word “trite”, it goes against my point

Glee mashups!


Rachel:
I will agree that the girls’ wasn’t a great mashup in the ideallistically pure sense of the concept

BUT!

Costumes were hair-metal perfect, songs were two great classic rock hits that worked well together


Me:
“worked well” = “the same song”?


Rachel:
It was energetic, fun, and ridiculous

Haha no, just songs from a similar era of music that dovetailed well


Me:
i’m not being convinced that their energy and hair made it better than the boys


Rachel:
My argument is basically that the boys had a better mashup but the girls had a better musical number

And honestly, I don’t put much emphasis on the “club assignment” framework

That’s just how the show excuses why normal hs kids would choreo, cvstume and stage 5 numbers a week :)


Me:
okay let me clarify, because i agree with that


Rachel:
haha k clarification = good

agreement = better


Me:
because “start me up” didn’t add anything, it ended up taking away


Rachel:
reasoned discourse = best

okay, I see that too

but also, I didn’t recognize either of the boy’s songs

and I thought the choreo was lackluster


Me:
stop in the name of love?


Rachel:
i mean, that one obvs, but what was the other song?

were there one or two other songs?


Me:
free your miiiiind

two songs


Rachel:
?

I hadn’t ever heard that song before


Me:
“Free Your Mind” is the name of a Grammy Award-nominated hit single released by the all-female R&B group En Vogue. Released on September 24, 1992 “Free Your Mind” is the third single released from En Vogue’s critically-acclaimed album Funky Divas. The anti-prejudice rock-oriented song reached number eight on the Billboard Hot 100 chart and number sixteen on the UK Singles Chart.

MTV Video Music Awards 1993

# Best R&B Video (won)
# Best Dance Video (won)

# Best Choreography – Travis Payne, Frank Gatson, and Lavelle Smith (won)


Rachel:
ohhh En Vogue! From September 1992, when I was 4!


Me:
it’s a claaaassic


Rachel:
I can’t believe I forgot about Travis Payne’s epic MTV Movie Awards win

can’t believe it


Me:
seriously look it up


Rachel:
I think you see where I’m going on this one :)


Me:
it’s a classic


Rachel:
no, I believe you, but I have never heard of it or En Vogue

and while I’m glad Glee brings me new music

I feel that another function of mashups is to pair famous songs in a new and innovative way


Me:
The group has won more MTV Video Music Awards than any other female group in MTV history, a total of seven, along with four Soul Train Awards, six American Music Awards, and seven Grammy nominations. En Vogue have accumulated over 2,800 weeks on various Billboard charts.[4]

you’re setting a very high bar for famous!


Rachel:
again, that’s awesome for them and I am pleased for their success

haha true, I guess if I am the only one who didn’t recognize it, my point is invalid

but it’s certainly not as famous a song as living on a prayer, start me up, or stop in the name of love

is that an accurate statement?


Me:
but also

did you know rain on my parade before you saw it on glee?


Rachel:
of course!

I’ve seen funny girl


Me:
or rose’s turn

Everythings coming up KUUUUURT


Rachel:
there have been very few songs on Glee I didn’t recognize


Me:
where i’m going with this is that even if you don’t know the song, it should still be awesome


Rachel:
which is why last night’s mashup was so confusing!

haha okay, that’s a fair point

it mostly just contributed to my overall dissatisfaction with the boys’ number

also, costumes and choreo were way off: agree/disagree?


Me:
costumes and choreo were appropriate

stop in the name of love is very 50s motown, and requires shiny blue jackets


Rachel:
is it 50s motown or 60s soul?


Me:
not sure


Rachel:
I thought it deserved more because that is a great song


Me:
but appropriate for either?


Rachel:
it might even be 70s disco

which is a HUGE missed opportunity for costuming hilarity :)


Me:
1965

supremes, motown label


Rachel:
but not motown era

ruh roh, razor thin disagreement again!


Me:
still, shiny blue jackets, arm sway-snap


Rachel:
yeah, pretty standard stuff, not as fun as the girls’ hair-metal ridiculousness

but I will concede that they were going for a motown vibe and that explains both the costumes and choreo

which is an idea I love in theory but apparently not practice


Me:
and i feel like shiny blue jackets came back in the 1990s?

like boyz II men maybe?

i’m revisiting free your mind

i’m becoming even more recalcitrant in my opinion

because there’s this little do wop shoop shoop in the background

i’m thinking this is even more brilliant and inspired song choices than before


Rachel:
I only watched it last night and I had a few glasses of wine, but I also stand by my opinion upon reflection


Me:
agree to agree that the other person is wrong


Rachel:
let’s both do that :)


Me:
i agree with me that you are wrong

you agree with you that i am wrong


Rachel:
and I agree with me that you are wrong!

precisely

so in that way, we’re both right


Me:
right.

dare i even bring up puck’s clusterpuck of a storyline?


Rachel:
UGH

that was so effing stupid


Me:
like, what?


Rachel:
I don’t even know

so dumb

and pointless

and no one gained anything and it didn’t even make sense half the time


Me:
oh hey, puck’s actor has to take a couple weeks off and record and promote a studio album, what can you do for us, writers?


Rachel:
yep!

basically


Me:
no words are to give their lives for the discussion of the disaster that was puck

but it was good for kevin

i mean artie

oh god

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NLT_%28band%29

kevin mchale nooooo

Their second single, “She Said, I Said (Time We Let Go)” was produced by Timbaland and released on August 21, 2007. The single peaked at number 65 on the Billboard Pop 100;[3] it also reached number 27 in Portugal.[4]

On December 18, 2007, they released an R&B-influenced version of “Silent Night”.

Compilation appearances
#Bratz: The Motion Picture (2007, Geffen) (song: “Heartburn”)

UGH NOOOOOO

anyway

i’m glad artie paid the bill


Rachel:
hahahahaha omg “#27 in Portugal”

“R&B-influenced ‘Silent Night’”

this is the wikipedia page that keeps on giving


Me:
i used to like artie as a character

now, not so sure

although him being in a “largely unknown” boy band prior to being a rapping cripple

makes him… sadder?

i don’t know

i’ll ruminate on implications later


Rachel:
that page is high up on my ‘definitions of sadness’ list

“In 2008, they took part in the Johnny Wright-organized Bandemonium tour, with Menudo, VFactory and Glowb, which was less than successful”

Less. Than. Successful.


Me:
yuck yuck yuck


Rachel:
“Glowb”

I mean come ON


Me:
his bandmate performed on idol?

this is TERRIBLE


Rachel:
that’s tragic


Me:
http://youtu.be/l0dZKOcbt04

was “discovered” by perez

(not as a competitor, as a special guest)


Rachel:
“i luv yu travis garland
nd yur a sikk dancer”

(from the youtube comments)


Me:
(i couldn’t tell)

this is all making me nauseous


Rachel:
haha let’s move on then

I agree about artie

although my dislike of him stemmed from when he was going out with tina

and then increased when he dumped brittany for no reason

because she’s the best


Me:
well, brittany used him


Rachel:
I mean, a) she’s kind of too dumb to use people, b) he probably knew that going in, and c) wasn’t he using her too?


Me:
yeah


Rachel:
to get back at Tina for going out with mike chang?


Me:
lots of moral ambiguity!


Rachel:
so its kind of a wash on the using

and then I default to siding with brittany :)


Me:
fair

i am not familiar with the handicapped community

but is this type of thing typical?

i could see how in theory, being in a wheelchair could have a big impact on how you see dating

i’m gunna have to tie it back to kurt, because that’s what i know

but they share that loneliness?

is that a fair statement?

because puck was manipulating/teaching him to be a dick to girls

and he went along with it for a while

i didn’t like that

he redeemed himself though

good for him


Rachel:
that was great

(the redemption)

but the whole ‘being a jerk to girls together’ thing felt forced


Me:
didn’t work at all.

even though he had a history of it!

did someone new write this episode?

just checked

regular writers

so

4000 words later

episode rating, 1-10?


Rachel:
hahaha


Rachel:
okay, I’ll ponder my rating


Me:
k

35 users on imdb rated the ep, and it’s at a 9.7

for anchoring purposes

back in a bit


Rachel:
NOM

8.5, btw


Me:
any particular reason?

actually

don’t

4000 words


Rachel:
yep


Me:
and i’m going to be all boring

and agree that it’s an 8.5

the god episode was a 9.8


Rachel:
haha k agreed


Me:
i’m glad we talked it out though


Rachel:
me too!


Me:
because when the credits rolled


Rachel:
I had so many queerys about it


Me:
my gut said “WORST OF ALL TIME”


Rachel:
ruh roh!


Me:
but it was just puck


Rachel:
turns out, it was just complex


Me:
which i will ignore


Rachel:
yeah, that’s the 1 point ding I gave it

and .5 is for one, but not both, of the mashups being weak

weak mashup TBD :)


Me:
it helped that kurt received an 8 out of 3 for his performance and storyline


Rachel:
yeah, honestly, the score would be a lot lower if kurt wasn’t around

he got more points than his rubric allowed

for being amazing


Me:
yep

life changing

okay i’m going to put this on my blog

maybe we can do this again next week?!


Rachel:
yes!

and blog away :)


Me:
for gwyneth!


Rachel:
ohhhhhh boy

yeah, that’s going to be eithe rreally amazing or really not amazing


Me:
there will be Thoughts!


Rachel:
I might watch “Shakespeare in Love” beforehand so I’m in the right mindset about her


Me:
or ironman 2

will will be once again making out with Every Adult On The Show


Rachel:
my roommate and I have this theory about will

in which he does whatever the last person he spoke to suggested to him on any given issue


Me:
hahahahah

i can think of no instances where that isn’t true

will should die

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LIFE liveblog!

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Mashup Monday!

This one’s pretty much a classic:

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Friday Fabulousness

Mariah was a damn train wreck at the MJ memorial singing ‘I’ll Be There’.  Here’s the video, but don’t watch it.  I’m just putting it up for responsible journalistic reasons.  She wasn’t so much singing as she was a hallucinating painter like Isaac Mendez, as some may have previously commented, including me, just now.

Lest we forget that Mimi has the uncanny ability to make temporal lobes weep at the drop of a dog-whistle-pitch hat metaphor, here is the video that I actually recommend you watch, an 18 year retrospective of incredibleness.

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The Wedding Singer: The Musical: Come see it!: I’m in it.

Wedding Singer Logo

The F.U.D.G.E. Theater Company has one of the first productions of The Wedding Singer in New England, and I’m lucky enough to be a part of it!  The show is, in all honesty, way better than you might expect.  And that’s saying something! You would expect it to be terrific!

It was nominated for all sorts of Tonys when it was on Broadway, including best musical, book, score, choreography, and actor (comedian Stephen Lynch originated the lead role of Robbie Hart).  It’s effing legit.

It’s full of really high-energy, true-to-the-80s, dance-til-you-die dance numbers, like this one:

…as well as all the songs from the movie, like the grandma’s rap, I Wanna Grow Old With You, and Somebody Kill Me (Please).

I’m in the dance ensemble, as a result of which I have lost eight pounds in the past three weeks since rehearsals have started, as well as several smaller roles, like the drunk Steve Buscemi best man and a Billy Idol impersonator, among others.  The leads are supremely talented, and I’m not just saying that.  Here’s a video of our Julia (Kira Cowan, left) and co-ensemble member (AnneMarie Alvarez, right) tearing it up at a cabaret last year:

The cast is gorgeous!  Look at us! I know what you’re thinking! I could get it with the whole damn cast! Well guess what? Your chances of doing so are greatly improved by coming to see the show.

HERE ARE THE DEETZ.

Gorgeous cast. Would.

WHERE:

The Arsenal Center for the Arts
321 Arsenal Street
Watertown, Massachusetts

WHEN:

July 24, 25, 30, 31, Aug 1 at 8pm
July 26 at 2pm

HOW DO I GET TICKETS?

Click here.

Tickets are $20 for general admission, $18 for students and seniors.  ProTip! There isn’t any uncomfortable audience participation/assaulting in this show, so don’t be afraid of the front row!

Continue reading The Wedding Singer: The Musical: Come see it!: I’m in it.

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Monday Mashup

If I Were a Free-Fallin’ Boy, DJ Earworm

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Which recent celebrity death was the gayest? : A Facebook Gaynalysis

Oh my gosh you guys, did you hear that Michael Jackson died!? It was like a totally big deal – can you believe that 30% of tweets when he died were about him!? Unbelievable.  People all over the internet were really interested. He died so hard that he almost broke the internet.  (You guys already knew all this, you smarty pantses, you. I just needed an opening paragraph.  Set the scene and whatnot, maybe foreshadow a touch.)

The important question about his death, though, remains unanswered: What do gay people think about it?

Gay people are known to have very important opinions.  That’s a sentence that doesn’t even include a link because it’s so true I don’t even need to source it.

Three more things are true:

  1. All celebrities are dead right now.
  2. People talked about all celebrities being dead on Facebook.
  3. Being concerned about the well-being of society like I am, I compiled some valuable (and possibly life-saving!) information about how concerned people were about dead celebrities.  Specifically, how gay people and straight people were concerned to varying degrees about dead celebrities.

For people not familiar with my Facebook Gaynalyses, here’s the procedure and methodology: I have all of my Facebook friends categorized into one of three friend lists – Gay People, Straight Dudes, and Straight Bitties.  If you are my Facebook friend, I have categorized you.  If you friend me, I will categorize you.  For each of the three groups of people, I counted all status updates between June 25 at 12:01 am until June 30 at 11:59 pm, as well as counted how many statuses mentioned Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, or Ed McMahon and their respective deadnesses. Those are the only dead celebrities, apparently, that warranted mention by my friends Other dead celebrities, such as Steve McNair, earned either one or zero newsfeed appearances from June 25 until the time of this post, influencing both the study period and which dead celebrities were worthy of my scientific scrutiny.  Maybe you should have dangled some more babies out of windows, Steve.

Over the six-day study period, during which 1053 status updates appeared in my newsfeed, 15.4% of all Facebook status updates referred to celebrity death.  Gays and dudes were somewhat more interested in dead celebrities than their cats, fights with boyfriends, and shitty jobs than the ladies were, as you can see below in Figure 1.

RecentCelebrityDeathGraph

Out of the four dead celebrities in question, Michael Jackson’s death had the most uniform appeal among all three study groups.

MichaelJacksonDeathGraph

Straight dudes went comparatively crazy over Billy Mays’ death, probably because they’re all Neanderthals, and Mays dropped out of West Virginia University, kaboom, in typical straight dude fashion.

BillyMaysDeathGraphAs for Farrah Fawcett – gays were basically the only ones who cared, because her spirit adjective is the word “fabulous”, making her an immediate favorite of the gays, or a gayvorite. Straight bitties were just jealous she looked so good, and straight dudes think of her looking like this, not this, so they all gave her the silent treatment, being the disrespectful bastards they are.  FarrahFawcettDeathGraph

Regarding Ed McMahon’s death, no one cared.  He started the wave of celebrideath, but he was only mentioned 6 times on Facebook, and every mention just appeared in a list of dead celebrities 3 days after he died, e.g. “Liz Taylor just sighed relief. Mcmahon fawcett Jackson. We all know these things come in threes [sic].” 

Wikipedia doesn’t call him the “greatest side kick of all time” for nothing.

EdMcmahonDeathGraph

Here’s a stacked bar graph to better visualize their relative popularity, as the data set is “statuses mentioning dead celebrities” instead of “statuses”.  Sure, this graph directly contradicts stuff I said before, but you haven’t been reading that closely, and also… Facebook. Let’s not get crazy, people.  RelativeDeadPersonPopularity

***

So there you have it.  Everything you didn’t really care to know about dead celebrities and Facebook.  If you care to learn more about how gay people use Facebook in a slightly different manner than straight people, click here for some similar posts.   Also, none of these graphs come close to the time Bea Arthur died – gays went nuts. Out they minds. You can peep that here.

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